How To Walk In High Heels

High heels are nasty, horrid, painful, sexist creations of Hell, but being able to walk in them can be a useful skill for every girl.
I can--sort of...
ANYway I know enough to write my first how to.

First step. Grab a pair of your mothers' lowest high heels, preferably with chunky heels, not those little sticks that are oh-so common.

If your feet are just a little too small but enough so your heel comes out every time you lift your foot--tape the shoe firmly to your foot. (use wide masking tape or duct tape, not that thin sticky-tape)

If your feet are too large or too small, I'm sorry but you're gonna have to buy your own. (at least you won't have to use the tape)

If the shoes fit perfectly, LUCKY YOU!

For those of you with balance issues: find some knee and elbow pads or something.

Now find some flat cement (yes, you pansy, the hard stuff, the soft carpet or grass is too difficult to start with) and walk. My advice is heel-toe (as long as you have chunky heels) After your falling rate per minute has lowered to zero and that continues for a few minutes, move on to carpet.

After your falling rate per minute has lowered to zero with that for around five minutes, move on to grass and/or a slope and repeat. Then try going up-and-down steps.

Make your way up to higher heels and repeat the last few paragraphs.

When you're done with chunky then you can go on to things like those orange heels I have a picture of. Do the same as with the chunky heels, except I think toe-heel (yes I know it's weird but you'll get used to it) this time.

Now off you go and learn how to walk in high heels, damn things...

~Ambiguity